


No Matter What

by SzonKlin



Series: Halcyon [16]
Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Family, Gen, Growing Up, M/M, The Halcyon Friends & Family February 2021
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29660025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SzonKlin/pseuds/SzonKlin
Summary: When Adil was a child, everyone predicted a bright future for him. Such a smart boy was sure to do well in school, get a well-paying job, find a nice wife, have lots of children.How could he tell them that he wanted something different? And would they still love him then?
Relationships: Adil & Betsey, Adil & his family, Toby Hamilton/Adil Joshi
Series: Halcyon [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1412533
Comments: 11
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyBeloe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBeloe/gifts).



> This work is based on the song [No Matter What by Calum Scott](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBIhqNT5gsE). When I first heard this song, I immediately thought that it would make a nice coming out fic for Adil, and then Lady Beloe prompted it for the FFF Fest, so here we are.
> 
> Content Warnings:  
> Heteronormative and cisnormative language, stereotyping  
> Bad experiences with coming out  
> (For more details, ask on discord or in the comments)
> 
> Translations:  
> Aami – Mom  
> Abu – Dad  
> Baita – Son  
> Mera payar – My dear/My love  
> Mera Khobsurat Baita – My beautiful/lovely son  
> Mujhy Ap say bohot payar hai – I love You very much  
> Any combination of these are just further endearments
> 
> At the end of the first section, Adil's mom sings [this lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wwgaOvx7lc)
> 
> This work is unedited because if I had to wait for me to edit, I'd never post it. If you spot any glaring errors, let me know. OTherwise it will be edited. Later. Sometime. Maybe.

_“You are on your way to become a man now!”_

_“You’ll kiss your first girl soon enough.”_

_“A handsome boy like you will have no problem getting all the girlfriends.”_

_“I think Indian women are more proper. You are welcome to experiment, but let your parents chose you a bride.”_

_“Forget first kiss, I’m sure Adil here has already kissed plenty of girls. He is ready to lose his virginity!”_

The well-wishes and dubiously useful advices of the proud relatives who all came to celebrate the first grandson’s 11th birthday swirled in Adil’s mind long after they left.

He thought about the way he would change, the way he was already changing as he stared at himself in the mirror. He thought about kissing a girl as he brushed his teeth, something, that he hadn’t done yet despite his uncle’s beliefs. He thought about getting naked with a girls as he undressed for bed. He never put his pjs on that quick before.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like girls. He was friends with plenty of them. Kate was an endlessly kind friend who often brought an extra pastry in her lunch for Adil, who’s mom tended to favor healthier lunches. And Betsey was so much fun, not afraid of anything and up for any dare. But Adil didn’t _like_ like them. He had no desire to kiss them, and even less to see them naked.

He knew other boys weren’t like that. They have all kissed girls before, and some did even more – or at least, so they said in the locker rooms. One boy, Noel, tried to pull of Kate’s skirt one day in the yard. Betsey gave him a broken nose. It was Noel that got punished, which angered him to no end, and he kept grumbling about how he couldn’t be faulted, it was in his nature as a young man to be interested in women’s bodies, and the rest of the boys seemed to agree.

But not Adil. Aside from being upset on behalf of his friend and applauding Betsey’s bravery, Adil couldn’t understand any of that interest in girls. It’s not that Adil didn’t know why that was. A little over a year ago, Joe O’Hara made graduation memorable by kissing Will Shannon right there on the podium. That was the first time Adil realized he was gay.

But he never told anyone, not even Kate. What would be the point? He wasn’t brave like O’Hara, who even pranked the principal once. He wanted normal things: to get married, have kids, spend his whole life with that one special person. He wanted a fairytale love, and in fairytales, knights never married princes, only princesses.

He didn’t notice the tears on his face till he heard Aami softly knock on his door then walk in. He hastily wiped his face with the blanket and turned his back to the door.

“Are you awake?” his mother whispered, like she did every night.

Adil didn’t reply, ashamed to face his mother. He was 11 now, on his way to becoming a man. Men didn’t cry. He hoped she would just go away, even though he knew that in the past, even if he was sleeping, she would come in and kiss him goodnight, but that was when he was still a child.

But Aami didn’t seem to know about the significance of a man’s 11th birthday, and still came in. And with the uncanny ability of good mothers, she knew he was crying even before she reached the bed.

“Mera Baita, what’s wrong?” And without waiting for an answer, she wrapped Adil up in a hug. She was so warm and smelled like home, and Adil couldn’t help the ugly sob that burst out of him as he pushed further into her embrace.

“There you go, Adil. Just cry my dear, just let it all out,” she murmured softly into his hair, holding him tight with one strong and gentle arm while her other hand rubbed Adil’s back soothingly. “Just let it all out, and when you are ready, you can tell me what made you cry, and we can figure out a way to make it all better.”

After a few moments she climbed on the bed and pulled Adil into her lap, uncaring of his gangly limbs digging into her soft body, and just holding him, gently rocking and murmuring words of reassurance.

At long last, Adil seemed to run out of tears.

“Are you feeling better, dear? Do you want to tell me what you were crying about?”

Adil only sniffled in reply, trying to regain his breathe with big gulps of air.

His mom pressed a handkerchief into his hands. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I can just sit with you till you fall asleep if you like. But if you tell me, maybe I can help.”

“I don’t… I don’t want to grow up,” Adil whispered into Aami’s chest, half hoping she couldn’t hear his clumsy confession.

“Mera payar! Can you tell me why that is?” she had no judgement in her voice.

“I don’t want to kiss girls…” Adil’s voice wavered.

“Oh baby, that is nothing to cry about. You only turned 11, not 21. You still have time to grow up. And many boys your age are not interested in girls, that doesn’t mean you won’t in a few years. Don’t you worry about it.”

“I don’t think _I_ will.”

At that, she pulled back to look into his eyes. “And why is that, Adil?”

“Because… I think, I… I like boys,” and with that he started to try again and tried to pull back from her embrace before she could push him away.

But his mom only held him tighter. “Mera baita. Mera khobsurat baita! Mujhy Ap say bohot payar hai! Do you hear me? No matter what, you will always be my son and I will always love you. You don’t have to hide yourself for that. The only thing I want is for you and your sister and brother to be happy. Me and your Abu both.”

“Please don’t tell Abu!” Adil pleaded.

“It’s okay, I won’t. Not if you don’t want me to. But it wouldn’t stop him loving you, please remember that.”

They didn’t talk much more, but Aami stayed till Adil fell asleep, gently singing a lullaby.

***

_“Mom was so upset last night,” Kate whispered when they were twelve, huddled in the corner of the yard, careful not to be overheard. “She says homosexuals go to Hell, and the government is encouraging it with the registered partnership.”_

_“What are you wearing, Tom?” Billy laughed when they were thirteen. “Don’t you know only gays wear pink? Who is your boyfriend?” And the taunts kept coming until the teacher came over to break up the commotion and Tom was made to change into another shirt from the lost-and-found box._

_“Come on, Adil, you can’t say that you don’t like any girls,” Tom nagged when they were fourteen, having a sleepover without the girls there. “Everyone likes someone. She must be really ugly!”_

_“You can’t be gay, Adil,” Betsey said when they were fifteen and Adil, with his heart in his throat, came out to her. “Everyone expects us to start dating. You said you would go with me to the Christmas party! We are too old now. Boys and girls are age can’t be just friends anymore.”_

That was a week ago now. The worst week of Adil’s short life. A week when the only person to speak to him outside of class to speak to him was Kate.

“What did you expect? Betsey told us what happened. That you told her you didn’t like her. You were leading her on. It was really mean, Adil. You didn’t mean it, did you? Just apologise, I’m sure she will go to the Christmas party with you, and we can all be friends again.”

But Adil couldn’t do that. He now knew better than to come out to anyone else, and was grateful that Betsey kept his secret, but he couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t true. He thought they were all friends, and being friends with Betsey or Kate never felt different to being friends with Billy or Tom. But Billy and Kate were also dating now. They were all growing up, almost ready to graduate and begin adult life. Everything would change.

And now none of them were talking to him, all angry for leading Betsey on.

Adil ran all the way home on Friday, desperate to get to his room before he started to cry, though the tears were already gathering in his eyes.

He made it through the front door, where he fell to the ground and he tried to catch a breath of air as he hugged his knees to his chest.

“What is wrong, mera payar,” Aami asked, settling down on the ground next to Adil, and pulling him into her embrace.

Among his slowly lessening sobs, Adil slowly recounted everything that happened that week.

“Maybe I should apologise. Betsey and I are good friends, I could be nice, dating her. It wouldn’t be that different, right?”

“Oh, Adil,” she replied with a nostalgic smile. “The best loves are indeed based on friendship, but that does not mean that those two things are the same. You are so special, mera baita. And you will have so many friends, who will see just how special you are. And one day, one of them will be a lovely man you will fall in love with, and who will fall in love with you too. Who will not want to date you because of what is expected, but because he will know that you are the most special person for them. Don’t give up on that just yet. Don’t try to be what you are not. You will only find true happiness in living your truth. And always remember, that I love you, no matter not. Me and Abu both.”

She held him for a long time, for what might have been hours. When they heard someone unlocking the door, Adil rushed up to his room, not ready to face anyone else. He didn’t doubt his Aami when she said she loved him unconditionally, but the rest seemed so impossible.

To ever have friends who knew he was gay, when he didn’t think he would be able to tell even just one more person.

To have someone who could love him and be with him without shame. He never even kissed anyone, even though he was already fifteen. Everyone else had their first kiss by then.

To think that his father would ever be alright with it. Not when traditions and family were so important to him.

***

_“I’ve heard he brought along some friend from university.”_

_“I was expecting a girlfriend by now, at least, if not a fiancée, what is he 25 by now?”_

_“Priya is already expecting her first baby. But Basu will be wanting a grandson with the Joshi name soon.”_

_“I wonder if he is disappointed in Adil.”_

Shreds of conversation reached Adil through the kitchen window as he stood outside their front door, gathering the courage to walk through. Outside the air was pleasantly cold and the shadows covered him and Toby protectively. Inside, half the town was gathered to celebrate the 60th birthday of the man who had been looking after their health for the past 30 years.

Under the protection of the darkness, he gave a final hug to Toby.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“That’s okay. Whatever makes you feel the safest. I’m glad to meet your family either way,” Toby assured him with a gentle squeeze.

Adil finally stepped back, his hand running down Toby’s arm and lingering for a moment before letting go completely. Taking half a step to the left to achieve the appropriate distance between mates, he opened the door.

The neighbours gossiping in the kitchen seemed unaware of being overheard and greeted Adil with large smiles and hugs, quickly pushing drinks into his and Toby’s hands. Then they quickly started herding Adil towards his father, while Toby was cornered by one of Mrs. Buchanan’s daughters.

Basu greeted Adil with a strong hug, that Adil basked in for a moment longer than strictly necessary. Since he moved away for uni, he rarely came back home to visit. In Oxford he found a freedom he never knew in his small hometown. There most of his friends were queer and all of them accepting and supportive. Here he never told anyone else after Betsey.

“It’s good to have you home, mera baita,” Basu said, not seeming any more inclined to let go. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Abu.”

“Your Aami said you invited a friend…”

“Yes, Toby.”

“He must be a good friend,” Basu said, letting go of Adil so he could look at him instead in the relative privacy of the corner they were stood in, everyone seeming to momentarily respect their reunion.

“Yeah, we get along. And it will be nice not to have to make the drive back to Oxford alone tonight.”

Basu’s eyes searched Adil’s face, then he looked away with a resigned little sigh.

“I don’t want to push you, mera baita. But I do hope you know that whenever you are ready, I’ll be here.”

Adil’s eyes snapped to his father’s, fear and tears and confusion and a bit of hope mixing in them.

“You know?” Adil finally asked. “And you aren’t mad? Or disappointed?”

“I could never be disappointed in you, Adil. You are my son, my world. And I love you no matter what. But if you don’t want to talk about it yet, we can pretend this,” he waved at themselves to indicate the conversation, “never happened.”

Adil shook his head, a sudden determination overtaking him. He looked across the room to where Toby , having escaped the Buchanan girl, was just handing over the flowers he brought to Aami.

“Abu, I’m gay. Toby is my boyfriend and we have been dating for three months. I know you wanted different for me and this isn’t how you…”

Adil’s apologies were cut off by a hug from his father. “All I ever wanted for you to be able to live the life you wanted, to be who you are, and not what others want you to be. And for you to be happy. Thank you for telling me.”

“You told Abu?” Aami’s soft voice came from just beside them.

Adil looked up and nodded, the tears – happy ones – clenched his throat.

Toby beamed at him with pride, before he was grabbed by Aami and pulled into a group hug.

“Family hug!” Priya’s shout was all the warning they got before Adil’s siblings joined the group, Priya’s giant belly pressing into him on one side and Dhani’s gangly arms from the other.

The room was filled with people from whom Adil always hid. Some of his old friends from school were there, teachers, neighbours, colleagues of his parents, and even Betsey, holding a baby in her arms. But encircled by his five favourite people, Adil didn’t care who saw, he turned his head and pressed his lips against Toby’s for a peck. He glanced at his siblings uncertainly, but he only saw joy in their face.

“Don’t look so surprised, Adil,” Priya teased. “We are family. We will always love each other, no matter what.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because none of us likes for Betsey to be the bad guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, no beta or proofreading. I make no apologies.

Adil was quiet as he led Toby up to his childhood bedroom. As soon as the door was closed behind them, Adil spun around and buried his face in Toby’s chest. His boyfriend’s arms coming up around him in a firm grip felt like the only thing keeping him together.

Even an hour ago, he wouldn’t have thought that he would come out to his father, much less his whole family and a roomful of relative strangers. But it all happened so quickly that he didn’t have time to question his actions before they happened and now all that anxiety that would have filled the days before such an event, had it been planned, hit him with full force all at once.

It took him minutes to calm down enough to even hear the gentle reassurances Toby was whispering in his ear. At the same time the shaking in his legs registered as well, and he led Toby to the pull-out sofa that was his bed. As soon as Toby was seated, Adil climbed into his lap and laid his head on Toby’s shoulder.

“If you told me that we would be in your childhood bedroom all alone, cuddling in your bed, this isn’t what I would have imagined,” Toby teased, lightening the mood.

“Sorry, to disappoint,” Adil’s voice was still wet with tears, but he pulled a smile to show he was only joking. “But if it is any consolation, there isn’t much left here of that aside from the walls.”

And it was true. Most of the space was overtaken by Dhani, who decided that being the only child left at home, he was entitled to the use of his siblings’ room, and more or less turned Adil’s room into a study. At least, he graciously allowed for a sofa to be put in, in case Adil stayed for a few days. And any free space left my him was filled with boxes of toys and onesies and other childcare products that were saved from their childhood or donations from neighbours to Priya’s baby.

All this only highlighted to Adil how interconnected his life was with his family, even after years of trying to separate himself, and the grief for that wasted time threatened to overtake him.

“I’m so proud of you,” Toby said in a more serious tone.

“I didn’t even think about any of it, it just sort of happened.”

“Even if that was true, I’d still be proud of you, but also I don’t think it is. You said for more than half of your life you knew you were gay and in all that time you never accidentally came out to them. You deserve full credit for doing it now.”

Adil sighed into Toby’s neck and decided to continue with the theme of grand announcements that this night seemed to be developing. “I love you,” he said, pulling back so he could look at Toby. And it is a good thing he did, because he wouldn’t have wanted to miss the way Toby’s face lit up at that for the whole wide world.

Toby didn’t reply, not in words anyway. He just pulled Adil in close and kissed him like his life depended on it.

Adil didn’t mind. He knew Toby sometimes had problems putting his emotions into spoken words and Toby had confessed his love in many ways that day already. Adil knew Toby didn’t like going to parties, or being hugged by strangers, much less a whole group of them. Yet he did it all for Adil without complaint and he never once showed his discomfort. Adil wouldn’t have traded those things for the most poetic declarations of love.

“We should go down,” Adil said as he reluctantly pulled back from the kiss and stood up. They took a few more moments to organise their clothes and for Adil to wash his face, then they rejoined the festivities.

***

Adil’s family must have felt that Adil’s coming out was a chance for them to grow closer together and abridge the distance he put between them, because they hardly left him alone at the party, one of them always around, listening to his conversations with others.

From the few surprised looks Adil got from them as he was telling others about his life in Oxford, he realised just how much he was hiding from them. It was not only being gay that he hid, but he also never really told them about the internship last summer – since that was where he got closer to Toby, or about the Sunday game nights – since most participants were queer, or about almost anything, since all of them were in one way or another they involved friends he wasn’t ready to talk about and keeping silent was easier than censoring his stories. With that realisation he felt even more grateful of how willing his family was to welcome him back.

And the same welcome was extended to Toby as well, though that was hardly unexpected. His family wasn’t anything if not hospitable. The surprising part was how easily Toby seemed to be getting on with them.

Momentarily left alone, Adil was enjoying watching Toby and Dhani in an animated discussion from across the room, when he was joined by an unexpected conversation partner.

“You know, he thinks I don’t notice, but Sonny gets the same look when I am talking with his mother.”

“Betsey!” Adil spun around, somewhat alarmed. It’s not that he hasn’t spoken to Betsey since that fateful day, that was almost impossible in such a small town. Through the grapevine he knew enough about her. Like that she had a child with a man he was living with, though unmarried, or that she was teaching at the music school. And if they ever run into each other when Adil was in town, they said polite hellos before one of them noticed the time and had to rush away.

But now, here she was, deliberately seeking him out, comparing Adil’s boyfriend to her own.

“Hi, Adil.”

“How are you?” Adil tried for small talk awkwardly.

“I’m doing really good, thank you. Excited for the summer holidays.”

“It’s March!” Adil laughed. He forgot how easy it was to feel at ease around Betsey.

“That’s the life of a teacher, Adil. You start counting the days till summer in September,” she smiled at him. “And it looks like you are doing well too,” she added, nodding towards Toby, her smile unfaltering.

“Yeah, I am,” Adil replied cautiously.

“I’m glad,” Betsey said, but her smile lost a bit of its brightness. “I’m glad we have a chance to talk,” she continued after a short pause. “I’ve been waiting for a chance but there was never any and I saw too much of a coward to make one.”

“Oh?” Adil wasn’t sure where the conversation was going, though he doubted Betsey would want to say anything too mean 10 years later at a party. “Do you want something to drink?” he asked.

“Tea would be nice,” Betsey replied.

The kitchen was empty. Betsey pulled out some mugs while Adil put the kettle on. It might have been a decade since she was last there, but she still seemed familiar with the place, having spent many happy afternoons there before.

“I wanted to apologise,” Betsey finally said.

“You don’t have to. We were just kids,” Adil said, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He wished Betsey would apologise for years before he gave up hoping it would ever happen. That isn’t to say he never thought about it, but now that it was happening, it just felt awkward.

“I think I have to. I thought so for a long time now.”

“Then why didn’t you?” the question was out of Adil’s mouth before he even had time to think about it.

“I told you: I am a coward. At first, I was hurt by your refusal, then I kept expecting that you would change your mind. And when you disappeared for uni… I thought it meant it no longer mattered. I kept waiting for news of your coming out, I was sure it was the sort of thing people would talk about. I guess not.”

“We will see. I only came out tonight.”

“What?” that surprised Betsey. “That was your coming out? That was what the family hug was about?”

“Well, my mom knew. She was the first person I ever told. But after… well, I wasn’t brave enough to come out to anyone else.”

“… because of my reaction,” Betsey added.

“I was so sure that you were going to be understanding. And you had the ability to sway public opinion, so I figured if you stood by me, no one would want to be against me.”

“But then I was the one turning everyone away from you.”

“Did you really have a crush on me?” Adil asked. The past still hurt sometimes, but there was no changing that. He didn’t want to relive it, he just wanted to take this chance to understand it.

“Honestly? I don’t think so. I just… I wanted to be normal. To do what was expected. The idea of dating you sounded better than dating, say, Noel Wilson. So I figured those things meant I had a crush.”

“We were fifteen. Did people really expect us to start dating?”

“Well, Kate and Billy were dating, so lots of people assumed that I would start dating you or Tom as well. And I guess Tom just had something about him that people could sense that made them think that he was the less likely candidate. He came out as ace a few years ago, did you know that?”

“Really? I didn’t know. Good for him.”

“He lives with two platonic partners, a three-legged dog, and a pair of cats in London. They are a lovely bunch; we get together with them sometimes.”

“Sounds nice.”

“I never told the others that you are gay. I didn’t know if you were out or not, but I didn’t think it was my place. But we talk about you sometimes. They wonder how you are, and they all feel bad about the way we treated you. And they don’t even know how bad I was.”

“You were a kid. You didn’t know better.”

“So were you. And you deserved better.”

“I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was a year away from the age my mother was when she had me. And she already had enough sex not to know who my father was. I guess I wanted a steady boyfriend to make sure I didn’t end up like that. And I wanted to prove to people that I can do as expected.”

“It couldn’t have been easy for you.”

“To be honest, if you changed your mind then, if you decided that peer pressure was too much and you would rather hide your sexuality, I would have went along with it. We would have dated, and maybe even married right after high school. But we would have been miserable. So thank you for being strong for the both of us. We are both so much happier for it. I just wish I hadn’t put you such an ordeal for it.”

“I thought about it. It would have been much easier. I thought it was a weakness that I couldn’t pretend. But I’m glad of it now too. Are things better with your mom?”

“That is one way of putting it,” Betsey snorted. “She was ecstatic when I started music school. Getting a proper training and all. Things were good for a while. Then I started dating Sonny and she was less happy about that. First, she was upset that I was dating a black man. Then that we moved in together without getting married. As if she had any room to talk. Sonny was more patient with her than she deserved, but when I got pregnant… Well, the things she said are not worth repeating. That was the last time we met. She moved away to Leeds a few years back for some job that didn’t last the year, but she stayed there, so it is easy to avoid her. Crissy will have to face enough racism in her life that I can’t protect her from. I refuse to let her grow up with a grandmother who is like that.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t say I’m surprised, she always treated me differently than the rest of you, but she is still your mom. It must have been hard for you.”

“I spent my teenage years trying to make up for her mistakes. I lost you because of that. I won’t let my daughter go through the same.”

“I always knew you would make a great mom. You can be very protective of the people you love.” Adil felt slightly guilty but knowing that Betsey also had a hard time after their friendship ended, made it easier for him to really forgive her.

“I know I turned my back on you when you needed me and you have every right to tell me that it is too late, but… Would you like to come over sometime? Meet Sonny and Crissy? And if you are willing, I’m sure the others would like to meet you too. You can bring Toby of course.”

“Thank you,” Adil said, stalling while he really thought about it. Perhaps it would be painful at first. To see them share so many inside jokes that he wasn’t part of. The discussions that would no doubt happen, the awkwardness as they try to make up for a time that can’t be made up for. But he also realised, that he didn’t have to commit to anything long term. He could take things one thing at a time. And maybe it would help heal some old wounds. Maybe… “It would be lovely. Thank you.”

Adil caught Toby’s eyes across the room and they shared a smile. Tonight went very differently from what he expected. He thought back to his eleven-year-old self, crying in his bed scared of what the future might bring. He wished he could bottle the moment up and send it back in time to his old self to show there was a future worth looking forward to.

The church bells rang midnight in the distance. His bright future has begun.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Especially Lady B :) It is always a pleasure to write for you.
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](szonklin.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you are over 18 and interested in joining the fandom discord, ask for a link in the comments!


End file.
